MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Haha! 😂
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?