Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“I FIXED IT!”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey