Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
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roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
oh u like history? name everything that happened
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie