[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
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Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
The days of good grammer has went
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.