I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line