Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhilJamesson's best tweets

@PhilJamesson : [I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand] uh huh.... [I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm.... [I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree] unless i'm mistaken, it would seem that i'm outside

@PhilJamesson: [Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It's 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

@PhilJamesson: The word "brewery" sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

@PhilJamesson: Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi--

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

@PhilJamesson: Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@PhilJamesson: Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@PhilJamesson: Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home!
Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

@PhilJamesson: Doctor: The tests came back. They don't look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

@PhilJamesson: "My computer just crashed" is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

@PhilJamesson: A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]