Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhilJamesson's best tweets

@PhilJamesson : i like video games because they're the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

@PhilJamesson: Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn't get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we're all out

@PhilJamesson: Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

@PhilJamesson: [before lamps were invented]

moth: i've finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

@PhilJamesson: [to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

@PhilJamesson: me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you're afraid you won't be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

@PhilJamesson: me: i just killed two birds with one stone :)

noah: you did WHAT

@PhilJamesson: dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven't been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

@PhilJamesson: health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

@PhilJamesson: me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)