Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhilJamesson's best tweets

@PhilJamesson : Realtor: It's a four-story building. Me: Nice! Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere Me: What? Realtor: It's cozy

@PhilJamesson: Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

@PhilJamesson: Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: ... umm... flavor blasted?

@PhilJamesson: if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say "apricot", get the hell out of there. it's an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

@PhilJamesson: [I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh....
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm....
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i'm mistaken, it would seem that i'm outside

@PhilJamesson: [Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It's 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

@PhilJamesson: The word "brewery" sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

@PhilJamesson: Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi--

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

@PhilJamesson: Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@PhilJamesson: Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]