Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhilJamesson's best tweets

@PhilJamesson : Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password? Me: oh shi-- [Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

@PhilJamesson: Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@PhilJamesson: Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@PhilJamesson: Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home!
Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

@PhilJamesson: Doctor: The tests came back. They don't look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

@PhilJamesson: "My computer just crashed" is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

@PhilJamesson: A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

@PhilJamesson: WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@PhilJamesson: [Storm into Octopus Boss' office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]

@PhilJamesson: "Girl, are you a tree? cause-"
"no i'm not a tree"
"..cause i want-"
"why are you still talking i'm not a tree"
".. i want t-"
"not a tree"