Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhilJamesson's best tweets

@PhilJamesson : me: i just killed two birds with one stone :) noah: you did WHAT

@PhilJamesson: dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven't been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

@PhilJamesson: health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

@PhilJamesson: me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

@PhilJamesson: Realtor: It's a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It's cozy

@PhilJamesson: Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

@PhilJamesson: Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: ... umm... flavor blasted?

@PhilJamesson: if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say "apricot", get the hell out of there. it's an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

@PhilJamesson: [I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh....
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm....
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i'm mistaken, it would seem that i'm outside

@PhilJamesson: [Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It's 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this