Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhilJamesson's best tweets

@PhilJamesson : casting director: whenever you're ready me: the name's bond... james bond casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns me: no

@PhilJamesson: me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

@PhilJamesson: me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

@PhilJamesson: me: but "greetings" is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can't just say "conversations" back and forth for ten minutes

@PhilJamesson: shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

@PhilJamesson: [both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

@PhilJamesson: surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it's sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

@PhilJamesson: me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: "bye-bye"? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i'm leaving. you're a mean lady

@PhilJamesson: i like video games because they're the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

@PhilJamesson: Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn't get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we're all out