@PhilJamesson: shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
@PhilJamesson: [both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
@PhilJamesson: surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it's sharp! haha
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
@PhilJamesson: me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: "bye-bye"? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i'm leaving. you're a mean lady
@PhilJamesson: i like video games because they're the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
@PhilJamesson: Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn't get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we're all out
@PhilJamesson: Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
@PhilJamesson: [before lamps were invented]
moth: i've finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast