While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!