23. the denim jacket
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.