You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Twitter is the new flypaper.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My zodiac sign is pistachio
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year