According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
awkward
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold