@Pork_Chop_Hair: When a kid is mean to my kid...
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
@Pork_Chop_Hair: "I want us to exercise together and eat more salads", I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: [dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
@Pork_Chop_Hair: 7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
@Pork_Chop_Hair: I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire... I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
@Pork_Chop_Hair: I'm so glad you're all here. I'd like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell "look out!" while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.