Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Pork_Chop_Hair's best tweets

@Pork_Chop_Hair : Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

@Pork_Chop_Hair: When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face... I probably deserved that.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: (Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it's what I'm here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: .... Just go to sleep.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I'm driving.