Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Pork_Chop_Hair's best tweets

@Pork_Chop_Hair : I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just... SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

@Pork_Chop_Hair: When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face... I probably deserved that.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.