Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Pork_Chop_Hair's best tweets

@Pork_Chop_Hair : I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Don't tell me I don't know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they'd fall apart.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: [if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: [audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking... truly

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

@Pork_Chop_Hair: [seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Everyone is thinking about who they'll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Pro Tip: If you're searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the 'a' on the end.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.