Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
You Might Also Like
I haven鈥檛 prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it鈥檚 yours.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don鈥檛 want to share*
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 馃檪
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 馃檪
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you鈥檙e looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn鈥檛 possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Why does ma Nana鈥檚 dog look like he鈥檚 trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.