Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
groan^2
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Stop sending me this shit.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]