Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.