Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”