Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.