I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
reviewed some movies recently
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.