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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
This could’ve been an email.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination