Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
You Might Also Like
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?