For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If only
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.