he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed