Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off