[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
podcasts
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.