I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Happy Friday
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.