*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy