*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
You Might Also Like
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”