Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Mad Max: Furry Road
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.