Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I know this now 😂
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
In banana years, I am bread.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Dear Lord..