[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
s
oc
i
a
l
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.