If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”