Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@RdrJay47 : [someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet's still in my pocket*
@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.
@RdrJay47: If you offer me celery I'll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
@RdrJay47: Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
@RdrJay47: Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
@RdrJay47: Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
@RdrJay47: [Food Network: Cake Wars]
As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.
Cat Judge pushes it off the table
@RdrJay47: A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.
@RdrJay47: A social gathering without food is called a "Don't."
@RdrJay47: *Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*