Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RdrJay47's best tweets

@RdrJay47 : [Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar] "May I have this dance?" [Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

@RdrJay47: ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

@RdrJay47: The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@RdrJay47: Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

@RdrJay47: What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

@RdrJay47: Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn't know, it's french.

@RdrJay47: When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

@RdrJay47: You all think your dad's cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese's Pieces into the movie theater.

@RdrJay47: [someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet's still in my pocket*

@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.