Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RdrJay47's best tweets

@RdrJay47 : Her: I have a marathon coming. Me: Ooh, which show?

@RdrJay47: Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

@RdrJay47: [Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@RdrJay47: A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@RdrJay47: A social gathering without food is called a "Don't."

@RdrJay47: *Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

@RdrJay47: Me: I'd like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@RdrJay47: Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

@RdrJay47: Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid's first birthday.