Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

Page of RdrJay47's best tweets

@RdrJay47 : [someone is nice to me] *checks if wallet's still in my pocket*

@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.

@RdrJay47: If you offer me celery I'll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

@RdrJay47: Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.

@RdrJay47: Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@RdrJay47: Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

@RdrJay47: [Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@RdrJay47: A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@RdrJay47: A social gathering without food is called a "Don't."

@RdrJay47: *Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*