the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
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It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Succinctly put.
This is a whole mood;
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?