Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
#growingpains
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.