After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.