I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
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me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.