My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho