Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
all that yoga finally paid off
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”