Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest