My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U