My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Bringing home a sharpie
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”