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Page of RobElliottComic's best tweets

@RobElliottComic : Top Gun was so unrealistic Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle

@RobElliottComic: [having sex]

Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!

Her: USE YOUR HANDS!

Me: *raises the roof*

@RobElliottComic: I don't mean to sound like a tough guy but I've been in New York City for almost two hours and I've only cried like 31 times...

@RobElliottComic: Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: 'BEAR'-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE... He's definitely dead...

@RobElliottComic: *Sets fire to city*

Pppffttt... More like the Roman em-pyre...

-Attila the Pun

@RobElliottComic: That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@RobElliottComic: When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"

*Puts on dragon costume

*Waits in bushes

@RobElliottComic: Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl

Me: SWEET!

Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he's your...

Bi-son

@RobElliottComic: So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them

@RobElliottComic: 911: What's your emergency?

Me: I need several Ambuli stat!

911: Ambuli?

Me: Yea plural for Ambulance

911: No its not

Me: It should be