A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.