@Robert_Beau: Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn't that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn't that your third husband?
@Robert_Beau: You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
@Robert_Beau: It's so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
@Robert_Beau: So I harvested my tomato today, it's bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
@Robert_Beau: Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the 'Dime Store', great, now I've got to go all the way to the 70s.
@Robert_Beau: Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How's her head?
Me: Her sister's better.