Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Robert_Beau's best tweets

@Robert_Beau : When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

@Robert_Beau: Work from home? I don't even work from work.

@Robert_Beau: Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn't that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn't that your third husband?




M: Gravy?

@Robert_Beau: You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

@Robert_Beau: It's so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

@Robert_Beau: On Facebook:

Them: Look! We're at the beach!

Me: Look! I'm in your house!

@Robert_Beau: So I harvested my tomato today, it's bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@Robert_Beau: Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the 'Dime Store', great, now I've got to go all the way to the 70s.

@Robert_Beau: Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How's her head?
Me: Her sister's better.