They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
saving face 👀
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.