I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
What the hell happened here.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You