Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She鈥檚 my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That鈥檚 biologically impossible.
M: No it鈥檚 not.
*My son is 16.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter鈥檚 piano recital
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you鈥檙e representing yourself
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn鈥檛 going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I hope Alan is OK
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 馃槷
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
It鈥檚 me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
birds and squirrels envy us
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine鈥檚 disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it鈥檚 great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can鈥檛 wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.