Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
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Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I was bored.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
rapatouille
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?