Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.