I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
You Might Also Like
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Florida be like…
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.