having children is a pyramid scheme.
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Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I created you as mosquito food.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.