YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out