[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.